When I had Lilly about 13 months ago I was thrilled. My mom and dad came out from Va. to see their new grandbaby and I thankfully had lots of help the first few weeks. They went home and my hubby went to work again on the ranch. She was born during calving season which was great because it meant that her daddy wasn't working other than on the ranch for the first few months of her life. Then summer came. Daddy was going to work at 6:30 in the morning and coming home at 7 at night. Then I started getting tired. His mother didn't seem to want to do anything with her and I was left taking care of her by myself. At some point in the midst of the feeding, pumping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and everything else that had become my daily life taking care of the baby lost its charm for me. I started realizing that there was a problem in October. We had gone to visit relatives in Missouri and my parents drove out to meet us there. The relative had a pond stocked with fish in her front yard. Now normally on a family vacation we would be touring the state but we had gone with my grandfather and his brothers and sisters. They're old, they're tired, they've seen it all already. I love them to death though please don't read that wrong. The point being that we stayed at the relatives house and with the exception of a few days didn't go anywhere. I started realizing there was a problem when I was thouroughly enjoying letting my mom take care of Lilly and I wanted nothing to do with her. "this is wrong" my brain said, "I should want to be with my child" When mom volunteered to let me stay at the relatives house overnight and not go back to the camper and to take care of Lilly overnight I readily agreed. As I sat out on the grass fishing I really started thinking that my life just wasn't right.
When we got home things didn't improve any. My hubby was still working 66 hours a week and I still had no help there. He would come home and would, understandably, not want to do anything, which left me still taking care of her and putting her to bed after bathing and feeding. I would crash exhausted as soon as she was in bed. I started yelling at him that he needed to help me. It got to a point where we were doing nothing but fighting with each other. He'd say one thing wrong and I'd start screaming or just bust out crying.
One night when I was bawling and he was holding me we started talking..."when was the last time you were happy?" he asked I thought back...and back...and farther back...I couldn't remember, but I guessed that it was the beginning of June. We decided then and there that I needed help. But where to find it....
Edit: I realized that a lot of you were thinking that I was still really down and sometimes I am but I'm a whole lot better now so don't worry, more to come in the posts that follow.
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4 comments:
Don't feel badly about that though! A lot of women go through things like this and it's easy to feel guilty about it. Im interested to see what you choose to do.
I can understand the pure exhuastion that occurs when you are the sole caregiver. My hubby works offshore and is gone 2 weeks a month and there have been times where I have had to take her to my parents for a night so I can get things done and just relax.
Hey Gal~
Thanks for kind words about my kitchen! Now regarding this post...Ya know, I believe the good Lord never intended for us woman folk to do this all alone. If you have seen the Walton's, you know Grandma and Grandpa were right there to lend a hand. Now I know not all families get along (and in my case...husbands and wives) and this is just my "belief", but I think we are supposed to be near to each other to lend support. I always thought it would be great to live in a big group compound where people did what they were gifted to do....Some woman folk attend the babies and toddlers (That would be me!) Some garden (me too!) some cook (Probably not me, heehe) some tend critters (Hey, thats you) etc...Traditionally this would just be a big family farm with each little family living in their own cottage. Lots of fresh goodie would abound....Veggies, fruit, meat etc....The kids would get raised with a good moral background and lots of love. Yeah, I guess I am just a nutcase! I will pray some help for you. It sounds like you are not getting nurtured...you are doing all the nurturing!! I so discovered this after I got in a car accident last summer. I had to go into physical therapy and it involved a lot of massage and manipulation. The two gals I went to were also very supportive and great communicators. For the first time in a LONG time....Someone was taking care of ME! It has been a real blessing and I realized moms need to be nurtured too! You are on my prayer list and I will follow your blog.
Blessings~ LillySue
P.S. I so love your duckys!
I found that a moms group is life or death! Having other moms talk about the same feelings and being able to get out of the house is key to my sanity! It is normal to want a break from 24-7 caring for a little one. If you can't find a group go out once a week by yourself. It could make all the diferance. Good luck! Remember this to shall pass.
Dear JLB,
I don't know one single mother with the June Cleaver attitude...not one....we all struggle....but being a mother is a sacrifice....just as Our Lord did for us, we do for our children....try to bare these trials in your life because you know they will pass.
You'll be in my prayers - but my farm girl advice is to try to get out more and make some friends- it can really be isolating on a farm...
I'm not a big one for "talking with others about my problems" so I wouldn't find a group, but if you want to talk about it- find a group- church or just social club-
and if there isn't any- then start one yourself if you want....
BTW: please check your diet, because it's quite possible you are lacking a nutrient that you body needs...iron? Vitamin B?....
Peace be with you.
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