When I had Lilly about 13 months ago I was thrilled. My mom and dad came out from Va. to see their new grandbaby and I thankfully had lots of help the first few weeks. They went home and my hubby went to work again on the ranch. She was born during calving season which was great because it meant that her daddy wasn't working other than on the ranch for the first few months of her life. Then summer came. Daddy was going to work at 6:30 in the morning and coming home at 7 at night. Then I started getting tired. His mother didn't seem to want to do anything with her and I was left taking care of her by myself. At some point in the midst of the feeding, pumping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and everything else that had become my daily life taking care of the baby lost its charm for me. I started realizing that there was a problem in October. We had gone to visit relatives in Missouri and my parents drove out to meet us there. The relative had a pond stocked with fish in her front yard. Now normally on a family vacation we would be touring the state but we had gone with my grandfather and his brothers and sisters. They're old, they're tired, they've seen it all already. I love them to death though please don't read that wrong. The point being that we stayed at the relatives house and with the exception of a few days didn't go anywhere. I started realizing there was a problem when I was thouroughly enjoying letting my mom take care of Lilly and I wanted nothing to do with her. "this is wrong" my brain said, "I should want to be with my child" When mom volunteered to let me stay at the relatives house overnight and not go back to the camper and to take care of Lilly overnight I readily agreed. As I sat out on the grass fishing I really started thinking that my life just wasn't right.
When we got home things didn't improve any. My hubby was still working 66 hours a week and I still had no help there. He would come home and would, understandably, not want to do anything, which left me still taking care of her and putting her to bed after bathing and feeding. I would crash exhausted as soon as she was in bed. I started yelling at him that he needed to help me. It got to a point where we were doing nothing but fighting with each other. He'd say one thing wrong and I'd start screaming or just bust out crying.
One night when I was bawling and he was holding me we started talking..."when was the last time you were happy?" he asked I thought back...and back...and farther back...I couldn't remember, but I guessed that it was the beginning of June. We decided then and there that I needed help. But where to find it....
Edit: I realized that a lot of you were thinking that I was still really down and sometimes I am but I'm a whole lot better now so don't worry, more to come in the posts that follow.