Sunday, April 18, 2010

New attitude

It's amazing what you can discover in a few short hours...I had a wonderful oppurtunity to be away from my two girls (Hannah Rose was born 2/23) and my husband this weekend and learned that somewhere between getting married, getting a new house set up, getting the farm built, and having two children I'd lost me...

All weekend long I've been struggling between getting things done (items built, items repaired, house cleaned, etc) and just relaxing. I feel such a need to push and get stuff done. I look around and see the dirty dishes all over the kitchen, see the laundry piled high unfolded in baskets and overflowing the dirty clothes basket, see hay left all over the living room having fallen out of the rabbit cage and drug here and there. Every time I get a few hours away from my older girl (very rarely) I've used it to finish tasks that are almost impossible to complete while she's here. Or...I escape to the computer and stare at a screen playing some addicting facebook game to be able to forget about all the work and dredgery of daily life. And yet I am critical of my husband's lack of taking time off and relaxing a bit. He works himself to death between driving concrete truck to support us, working on the ranch, and working here at the house. He never takes a day off and rarely sits down to do anything relaxing. What a hypocrite! Am I any different?

Today I got up and started my usual animal chores...get the bottle warmed for the kid (goat), get the milk bucket out of the dishwasher, milk and grain the goats, make sure there is hay and water in the pastures (although everything is getting greener now), then after collecting eggs and turning the chickens out I checked on the chicks in the brooder. I opened the door to be met with a blast of heat, humidity, and stench. *sigh* Another chore to do, the brooder needs cleaned. Then it occured to me that the fowl is two weeks old this week and it's a beautiful day! Looking around I find feeders and waterers and set them up with feed and water in the A frame huts I built last year (or was that two years ago?). Finding a carrier I haul the ducks and goslings to one of the huts and the turkeys to the other, the chicks are still in the brooder (light unplugged). On the spur of the moment I flop down on the grass to watch and make sure they'll be okay.

Laying still has a was of making the mind work instead of the body and pretty soon it hit me that I hated the farm, resented doing the chores, hated the house, disliked taking care of my children and husband, and at some point had lost everything I ever loved about me. When I was a teenager I thought I'd be a writer. I love writing and it was one of my biggest passions...I've since lost my inspiration. I haven't been able to put a word to paper about much of anything for years. I've adored animals all my life...When did it become a bothersome waste of time to take care of them? I love my children and my husband very very much and would never want to be without them...why do I feel the need to escape and just run away from everything? When did dishes, and laundry, and a clean kitchen, and a clean office, and etc...become more important then watching my daughter play at the park?

I realized that I had really lost sight of what was important to say the least. I lay on the green grass, breathed the fresh air, heard the rooster crow and the turkeys peep, watched the ducklings fight over who was going to get a bath in the water dish first, looked at my cat laying in front of me purring and begging to be petted and realized that I was wrong. Everything about me is wrong. Yes, all those chores in the house may need to be done but they aren't important. The world will not end if we have to use paper plates because I didn't get the dishes done. The world won't end if the living room has toys all over it and various trash items. The world will not end if supper is not a big meal and is something simple like disgusting hot dogs. Are my chicldren happy? Is my husband? Am I? These are the things that are important...what is wrong in my life that I can't seem to keep them in sight?

So to make a long story short (too late) I've decided that I need to start writing again (hopefully I can find the time), I need to take my kids to something fun at least once a week (park, library etc), I need to spend some time with my husband at least two hours every week (good luck!), and I need to take some time to watch the animals at play (the kids playing king of the hill, the ducklings taking a bath, the cats jumping and running) and remember that these things are what's important.

And I pray to God that I can remember this lesson this time and hold it in my heart as I go about my daily life. And for crying out loud...if someone sees me playing those stupid facebook games yell at me to go play with my dog!


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your 2nd daughter and what a lovely name!


Spinner said...

Great post! I am not a game player but waste time in other ways. I am shocked at the time some of my friends spend playing Facebook games.

I occasionally get resentful at the work the animals cause me but then I think of having to be without them and things come back into focus.

Enjoy every minute that you have with your children because they won't be with you very long.

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